HATE

i HATE having a blackberry, twitter, facebook, bbm, whatsapp>>> ANY FORM OF COMMUNICATION whilst i fell like this, cos i cant help but broadcast it and it does my fuckin head in, cos why do u people need to know about my life, u dnt give a flying FUCK ! and i hate nearly all of you.

Today

Everyday seems to get more difficult, everyday i feel a piece of me dying, a new problem that is causing riddles in my mind. I don't have no one to talk to to, because i don't want to talk to anyone. Only person that i expect to listen to me and understand doesn't, so I'm confined to this small space, slowly reseeding into my mind, becoming a shadow of what i once was. Sitting back letting my addictions feed my soul which causes further deterioration. Problems piling upon one and other, stacks of them, like a plague of newspapers and yellow pages. I cant get out, so many obstacles in my way, so much pain everytime i try to suceed. Is this what my life was meant to be? Less than an existence, living like a hermit at the bottom of a old fisherman's boat, only given attention when I'm scraped off the side, I'm not contributing I'm just a bottom feeder, i don't deserve the happiness i want. And yet i sit here sad and depressed. Maybe its me who needs to accept my fate and move away from all those i care about and die like a dog would. There is no point to my life, i am nothing special, a smudge in the tapestry of life a mistake that was never meant to be born, maybe its easier to believe these truths, then i wont need to try to get myself out my predicament, the lazy way out.

This Day

today was a funny day, mixed conflicting emotion. Anger & Happiness. I tired to suppress the latter with film and conversation, but it seemed to keep popping up. Even now as i sit here and type i can feel it coming out in each press of a key. But im hoping me talking about it will help me get it out of my system more speedily.

Random but i wonder how many people have to do the same to repress their anger. A LOT i guess.

Back to the point...

Today i woke up to a message i was less than satisfied with, but i took a line a drew a line through it, then for some reason i decided to snoop and then upset myself, through a conversation with someone special got over it... Still feeling a lil sting i decided to make my coffee and a pork sandwich, stuck on a film 'Kidulthood' in hopes it would give some clarity and perspective. Feeling more positive, i gave into my addiction at the usual time and began to slip into the clouds. That was probably the highest point of the day [pun intended]

I dont know sometimes i feel like its my fault that i feel this brushes with anger, but at the time im feeling that way i cant see any other way to be... From writing this, i feel optimistic that my evening can only get better, because i refuse to let my anger take hold of me for duration. As i have been saying to all my friends lately 'its so much harder to be angry' and 'occupy yourself and you'll think about it less' FOR ONCE im going to try and actually take my OWN advice.

BEAUTY

when life seems to be getting me down and life's doldrums seems to be weighing me down i find a beautiful image and capture it. And now when i look at it, it gives me a little ray of hope that if you can find beauty or see beauty in the smallest things, you don't need to focus on the problems and hate, cos in a snap of a photo they can be forgot about. And only you give your problems the fire they need to continue to eat away at you.

Problems

not that this is a recent realization of mine but i know that everyone has problems and of late I've really wanted to help however i can, maybe its my recent job loss giving me the free time to do so, but i feel like i need to be there for all those around me.

Once you take the time to actually listen, you realize the amount of pain and suffering people are either inflicting upon themselves through self pity or anger or seeing that anger and pain being inflicted upon them by people.

For those in the first half, i can sympathize with you, but i can also look outside my own life and view it from another's perspective and try to rectify the wrongs I'm doing. I can honestly say that im the person that can put their hands up and admit i am wrong and begin to make a change. This aint a easy process but i feel like i can now. and I'm finding it more clear everyday that people don't want to do that, or they do but they dont want to do anything about it when it comes to it. and you need to stop, its self destructive to your own personal preservation.

The second half of people either don't understand they are the victims and they think they can change the outcome through feeble means, but that is NEVER going to happen. You need to be strong realise YOU ARE the VICTIM but you DO NOT have to be and stand up for yourself. Sticks n Stones can break your bones and name and words WILL CRUSH YOU! the person who said they don't hurt is stupid. The mind is such a fragile thing, but if you can see whats happening that's the first step to getting out of your situation.

Some people just need to communicate and not with their friends but the person they feel is causing the altercation, which can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, but collect your argument in your head, see the pro's n con's and if you KNOW your not wrong you wont fail, just be confident and know that your being taken for a ride and this PRiCK will either turn to profanity and past experience to hurt you or turn to violence, in which case you phone me and the family are RIDING to your rescue...

This will only apply to the minority... for more time we are the tyrant without realizing it, in which case, you need to gather your thoughts and grow asa person. If your still trying to belittle people for you own personal gain, or bitching behind others back you haven't full comprehended what the world is and has to offer, its so much bigger than that.

Thats straight off the dome, no proof reading, so apologies if it makes no freaking sense.

end

His big beautiful eyes staring into mine, slowly shutting as he edges forward for our lips to meet and become one. Soft hands stroking my cheek effortlessly, without fault. Slowly receding down my neck and down my stomach... Still kissing me passionately our eyes meet and we share a gaze that could only warm the heart of another human being.

A glance can be something so pure, so meaningful and true, it can let you know that you truly have engulfed someones heart. To think that life without that gaze could be a possibility is shattering to say the very least, but its a fact we all must learn in life and there is never a easy way. To be loved is to be hurt, for all good, great, amazing things must come to an end. And if they don't you are stunting your growth as a person, know one said life would be easy, we have to go through hardships to truly stare adversity and change in the face and say that we can do it. But frankly I don't want to grow I want to feel that gaze again, create new memories and share milestones with him. But I fear this is the definite end, for the fight has been lost there is no need to carry on the shirade

hard times

In that predicament, not knowing what the right decision is, the logical or heart felt one. Such a conundrum that plays on your mind throughout the nights and the days. Conflicting thoughts from others and some that coincide with your own, that send your mind back into darkness when you think you have finally made the correct decision. Such things are allowed to play such a large part in your life, again creating more confusion. You begin to doubt yourself and find urself back in that unhealthy place of hatred and self doubt.

Coming to the end, still fresh in your mind, thinking about the times they were yours for all time.

The pain cuts like a knife each time you consider your existence with them extinguished.

Minutes feel like hours when you are confronted by your thoughts of what could have been. The smallest details are considered and defined as if they were the absolute. There is no comfort only distraction from your minds continuous train of thought. These thoughts manifest themselves into further depression and more dark and sauded images seem to engulf your mind and let you continue down your road of self destruction.

The worst

The worst feeling is when you have messed up so many times and don't seem to fix up. Then come to the realisation that that's it, you've out worn the word sorry. It cant help you anymore and your going to have to face loneliness, because that person your apologizing to is emotionally numb to everything you say.

TEARS

I don't like to cry but its like tax and death it will always be there, It may not come as frequently as these things but it is an eventuality. You can take that statement as a pessimistic view on life or come to the realisation that life has its ups and downs and you just have to live with it and try n control your actions in a correct manner.

Life is a cunt of a bitch but you have to take the bad with the good. Your relationship isn't always going to work out, you job isn't always going to be ideal or perfect. Your family and people around you will die and money will try to control your life. But if you try and see past the pain when it comes and remind yourself that the sun will show it face soon, your pain will lessen immensely.

These words could help a person like me so much, but i choose to hurt myself and stay in the doldrums of life. I try so hard not to let things get to me, but depression, fear, anger and greed are my masters and no matter how much i try to break free they catch me and chain me up again.

Sadness

Watching each droplet of emotion and pain hit the crisp White pillow. Soaking up all the drama and stress. Unable to do anything about it but there as comfort nevertheless. Feeling the comforter gradually weaken as the tears overthrow and transform this bed of cloud into nothing more than damp unwanted head rest.

Each tear containing a thousand problems, but each one representing a different adaptation of pain. Sometimes is almost feels as if the tears are reigniting problems once forgot, now bringing it all to light, stabbing the metaphorical knife in once more.

To cry is a weird sensation it to say the least, it can come in all forms. Happiness, sadness, anger or indifference. All evoking different feelings within your body. The tears i speak of are tears of sadness and loss.

You feel as if your your breathless, heart beat pounding. Feeling your muscles tighten and retract with every breath. Mouth feels dry and saliva seems to stick to the roof of your mouth, hindering your already breathless state. Feel a pain in your chest and your throat as if your going to be sick but none will come up. All this is just your brain reacting to what you just experienced.

At the time, all these things seem irrelevant and only the thought process's and pain are there to engulf your shaken state of mind.